Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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