Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
