I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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