haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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