2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
