I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
