i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
