i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
