girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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