If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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