I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
