I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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