Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
