Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize