I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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