omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
