umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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