Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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