All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
