We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize