I want to make a zoo with you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
