ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
