yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
