It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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