if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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