I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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