if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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