Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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