i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
