Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
