I'm so fucking centered right now
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
