hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
