I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
