you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
