my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
