party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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