if i can run in heels then i can drive
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize