Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
