She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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