is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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