I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
