peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize