The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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