My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
