Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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