I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
