Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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