dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
