so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
