i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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