he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
