What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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