you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
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