Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
