and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
