At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
