hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
