put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
