Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
